Hi, my name is Suzanne and my life is Aphantastic! Actually, that’s a made up word combining Aphantasic and Fantastic. I have Aphantasia. Never heard of it? Yeah, me either until about 3 1/2 weeks ago. Aphantasia is a condition characterized by having no mind’s eye. You know how people will tell you to visualize your “happy place”, someplace calm and soothing, to bring about a feeling of peace? Well, I can’t do that, at least not the visual part of it. I am blind in my mind’s eye. When I close my eyes and try to visualize something, I see the back of my eyelids. Nothing more. I can’t picture in my mind even those people closest to me, not even my children, one of whom I see five days a week at work.
Almost a month ago, I was trying to get better at visualizing, thinking what I was “seeing” was the same as everyone else. If you had asked me if I could visualize something in my head in that moment, I’d have told you, “of course I can”, but I couldn’t and it was frustrating me. I can describe my “happy place” in very basic terms because I’ve seen it many times, but because there’s no visual reference in my mind, there’s no detail to my description.
The place I was trying to visualize and describe is a beautiful park in the center of the town where I grew up. There is a pretty wide creek that runs through it, there are ducks and turtles in the water, and there is a walking trail. There is also a big gazebo, and a monument that tells about the history of the city. People come out to take a walk in the fresh air, or bring their children to feed the ducks. I love it there.
One year, a beautiful Mandarin Duck showed up tagging along with a flock of Canadian Geese. Reporters and photographers came out from all over the metroplex to see it, because that kind of duck isn’t supposed to show up in Dallas, TX. It was truly fascinating to see such a beautiful creature, and I tried to get a pic of it with my phone, but I was unable to do so. Thankfully, other people were able to capture the beauty in photographs that I can search for and pull up on my screen. Otherwise, that amazing sighting would be, for the most part, gone from me.
I was trying to imagine what that Mandarin Duck looked like. I think they’re breathtakingly gorgeous with their vivid colors that awe me. So when I couldn’t even describe in any detail the colors of this duck, even moments after looking at a picture, I was a bit confused. I decided to search for something along the lines of “trouble picturing things in my mind”, and up popped the word Aphantasia.
As I began to read about it, I was shocked to realize that the article described what I experience. It’s still a challenge to comprehend how other people can close their eyes and imagine something as though it were really there in front of them. And it’s a challenge for those who have the ability to visualize to understand how it’s possible that I can’t. Some people have difficulty believing that it’s a real condition, but it is.
I hope to share with you via this blog the differences and similarities between people who have Aphantasia and those who don't. I also want to share what I've learned about the obvious spectrum of Aphantasia, and how it affects those who have it. Furthermore, I want to help bring awareness to a condition that few people have even heard of, so that we can come to a better understanding of how different people experience the world.
Thank you for indulging my need to share My Aphantastic Life!
P.S. Happy Birthday to me!! I'm 53 today, and this blog is a gift to myself. The future is "looking" very bright!
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